How can counselling help me?

Life is not always simple or easy. It can be messy at times and every one of us will experience difficulties and challenges during our lives. We all need support when things are not going well because those difficult, painful and challenging times are inevitable. Counselling can be highly effective when struggling with life’s challenging moments. It can help with a myriad of issues such as, but not limited to: relationship troubles, stress, depression, anxiety, trauma, bereavement, addiction, low self-esteem, a lack of direction, feelings of dissatisfaction or unresolved issues from the past. Please be assured, people enter counselling for a wide range of reasons, and it doesn’t have to be because there is a crisis of some description. I have often heard people discounting their emotions by saying that they don’t feel their problems are ‘bad’ enough for counselling or that others have it ‘worse’ than they do but the truth is, we all experience emotions, events and circumstances differently and no one person’s feeling is any more or less valid than another’s.

What is counselling?

Well, it’s a type of talking therapy that involves sitting with a trained professional in a confidential, safe and structured space, to explore whatever emotions, issues or challenges may be happening in your life. Counsellors are impartial and trained to listen very carefully, empathically and non-judgmentally. Counselling isn’t about giving advice and telling you what you should or shouldn’t do, instead a counsellor will work with you in finding your own solutions and way forward. The relationship is one of collaboration. Counselling sessions are typically around 50-60 minutes in length and usually held at the same time on a weekly basis, but this varies among individual counsellors and how they work.

I have friends and family I can talk to so how is counselling different?

Firstly, it’s important to acknowledge that friends and family can most definitely be an invaluable source of support and make a positive difference to our overall wellbeing. I would certainly encourage you to draw on them as part of a trusted support network, but I’d like to outline some of the ways speaking with a counsellor will differ from the conversations you may have with friends, family members or close colleagues:

•  How often do you hear people begin a sentence with “If it were me….”, “If I were you…”, “What you should/shouldn’t do…” When people preface their thoughts in this way, it is usually a good indication that whilst they are undoubtedly trying to be supportive, they are speaking from the prism of their own experience, values, ideals and beliefs. What worked for them, felt right to them, made sense to them, may be vastly different to the place you’re in. Counsellors place their focus fully on you and listen intently and with empathy as a way to understand your experiences and help you find a way forward that fits wholly for you.
•  Our personal relationships are not designed to focus on just one party but consist of a give and take nature which may result in us feeling that we are talking too much and taking up too much time of the other person. However, in a therapeutic relationship, a counsellor will place the focus fully on you and your counselling session is a place that is dedicated solely for you.
•  It may feel uncomfortable to display our true emotions in front of those close to us (this can sometimes be from a fear of being judged, criticised or dismissed), so instead we hide how we really feel but by stifling our feelings, we can end up feeling worse. Counsellors can help to openly express and explore emotions in a safe space and importantly, all emotions are welcomed.
•  It‘s not uncommon for those close to us to interrupt us mid-sentence (again, they’re likely trying to step in as an attempt to help or as a way to demonstrate connection) but in counselling, we allow for time and silence. I understand that for some people, silence can feel very uncomfortable, but counsellors use it as way to allow space to fully process innermost thoughts and feelings, gain clarity and encourage self-exploration. A key difference is in personal relationships, others often listen to respond but counsellors listen to understand.
• Counsellors are trained to listen very carefully and in doing so will pick up on certain words, intonation, inflections, shifts in body language/ facial expressions, gestures and patterns that those without specific training, are not able to do. In making these observations and bringing them into awareness, we might uncover aspects that require deeper exploration and in doing so, something truly transformative, empowering and life changing may happen…
• It can be incredibly painful and difficult to watch those we love in a state of distress. People might tell us not to cry and offer comfort and whilst it’s well intentioned, part of this is a protection from their own internal pain and discomfort. This approach can close a person down and dismiss what they are feeling. Sometimes we need to cry, we need the space to be with our sadness and not have another try to force us out of it. Counsellors have the skills to sit with the emotions of others, to validate them and to know when it may be appropriate to bring in a gentle challenge.
• The byword of the counselling profession is confidentiality, and it is something that we strictly adhere to (with certain limitations e.g. safeguarding concerns) but those close to us aren’t bound by these ethics so are free to share elements of our conversations with others if they so choose.
• We may censor our thoughts and feelings for fear of being judged and this can play out especially in close relationships when we worry that if we speak in an undiluted way, it may somehow change the dynamic of the relationship and how that person views us. However, when a counsellor listens, they do so with a non-judgemental attitude. There can also be a concern that when talking to someone in our close circle we may not be able to speak about mutually known people, but a counsellor won’t know the people you may wish to speak about, so you have the freedom to talk openly.
• It can feel threatening in close relationships if another person begins to change so there can be an element of trying to keep someone where they are or as they are (this can be happening unconsciously), but a counsellor will work with you and support you in becoming exactly who and what you want to be – your authentic self.

What other ways might it help?

Finding Yourself
One of the fundamental benefits of counselling is self-discovery. A counsellor can help you to expand your self-awareness and identify your beliefs, values and personality.

Emotional Exploration
Counselling is a safe place to openly express your thoughts, feelings and experiences without having the worry of being judged. By seeking help from a counsellor, you can investigate your thoughts and feelings and find their meaning. Counselling can support your journey to understanding yourself and give you a new perspective on your life.

Stronger Relationships
Painful events from the past can sometimes impact on present day relationships. Counselling can help improve relationships by giving people the skills to communicate more clearly, set healthy boundaries, and resolve conflicts. Understanding your communication and behaviour patterns through counselling can help you have more fulfilling relationships with your friends, family, and romantic partners (and yourself!)

Emotional Resilience
Life is inherently filled with ups and downs. Counselling can equip individuals with valuable tools and coping mechanisms to navigate these trying times. Whether building self-care methods, enhancing emotional resilience, or exercising stress management, these skills are useful resources that may be employed across numerous facets of life.

Improved Mental Health
Since all aspects of life are interconnected, counselling takes a comprehensive approach to addressing mental health issues. It explores the underlying causes and fosters long-lasting change, going beyond just treating the symptoms.

A Positive Change
Seeking counselling does not show weakness; it is actually the complete opposite. Taking the step denotes great courage and is a positive move towards building strength. It requires a dedication to development and self-improvement. People often experience perspective alterations through the process, which may result in beneficial changes in many other aspects of life.

Emotional Freedom
Counselling offers a route to emotional well-being in a world where difficulties can feel overwhelming. It is a transformative experience that enables people to overcome fears, heal old wounds, and embrace their true selves. A crucial step toward self-care and emotional wellness is seeking support.

So how do I find the right counsellor for me?

I would encourage you to explore different counselling registers (NCPS and the Counselling Directory are good places to start but others are available), take time to read profiles, visit websites and make contact with those that you have an interest in, paying close attention to how you feel during the initial interaction. Of course, only you can know who will feel right for you but when speaking to a potential counsellor it may help to consider how comfortable and safe you feel. Do they work in a way that suits you? Do you feel you could work well together? Do you feel warmth and compassion from them? Are they easy to talk to? Do you feel genuineness from them? Are they open to answering any questions you may have? Are they a member of a professional body? If there is any language, terms or abbreviations you read that you don’t understand, please do ask for clarification – a good counsellor will be most happy to explain whatever is needed. As I mention elsewhere on my website, the therapeutic relationship is central to counselling being effective and meaningful so do please take your time in finding who you feel you can build a connection, trust and rapport with.

Take the First Step Today

I hope this piece has answered some questions you may have had. If you feel ready to embark on your path of self-discovery and emotional well-being or even if you’re not quite sure, you are most welcome to contact me for a free and informal chat with no obligation at all.

A final thought eloquently articulated by the American Professor, Brené Brown:

“Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light”.

February 2024