Early Stereotypes

When I think back to my early childhood, I conjure up images of fairly stereotypical gender play of that era. I had dolls and tea sets, whereas my brother had Action Man and tons of Star Wars paraphernalia. He was dressed in trousers and shorts and my typical wear was dresses and skirts. He was permitted to play outside in a rough and tough way, but my play was encouraged to be of a gentler nature and predominantly, indoors. I didn’t realise back then but throughout my childhood, in so many areas, there were already implicit messages being given, and as we refer to it in person-centred counselling, conditions of worth, both subtle (or sometimes not so subtle), forming and being internalised. I was experiencing the ‘shoulds’ and the ‘oughts’ and what the societal expectations were for us both.

Conditions of Worth

The term was coined by Carl Rogers, the founder of person-centred counselling and they are essentially certain standards we feel we have to meet in order to be loved, accepted, of worth and to receive positive regard from others, often being formed in our childhood. We can sometimes identify our own conditions of worth by asking ourselves what we have to meet in order to be of value in the world. For example, this might be that we don’t show weakness, that we always put others first or we must work hard.

Just as women can suffer from damaging stereotypes, so too can men. Society places an expectation on men to demonstrate particular attributes e.g. to be strong, powerful and dominant, and in doing so, men actually receive an underlying message that in order to be loved – to be of worth – not only do they have to encompass these characteristics but actively reject, or shut off, the part of them that doesn’t fit this ideal. Many of us will be familiar with the phrase ‘boys don’t cry’. If we apply that to a small boy (let’s call him Tommy – aged five) who scrapes his knee on the playground and while being tended to, is told, albeit kindly, to be a ‘big boy’ and not cry, he will, on some level, internalise that message. So, the next time Tommy falls and hurts himself, there’s a good chance he’ll try to stem his tears and maybe, if he does, he’ll receive a form of negative reinforcement by being praised for not crying – for being ‘brave’ or ‘strong’. An internal belief and condition of worth is being introjected for Tommy that in order to be loved, to be valued, of worth and accepted, he must follow the expectation as described above. If there are occasions when Tommy can’t hold back his tears, he may berate himself, feel less than, hold shame or embarrassment and experience a negative impact on his self-worth.

Conflict can arise in individuals when they use introjected conditions of worth to measure their self-worth. If there is an incongruence between who we feel we need to be in order to be approved/accepted and who we truly are (our authentic self), this can lead to depression, anxiety and a lowering of our overall self-worth.

Why is it hard for men to talk about mental health?

Re-visiting Tommy for a moment, thinking back to the messages he received in early childhood, we can see how it might be difficult for him in adulthood to speak openly about his feelings and show emotion as this would contradict those conditions of worth and societal expectations that were being placed on him which could be a similar experience for many men.

Traditional gender roles can lead men to believe that seeking help is unmanly and a sign of weakness but in truth, there is enormous strength and courage in asking for help.

Men have emotional needs, in the same way that women do but traditionally, it has been more permissible for women to speak openly about theirs, leaving men potentially isolated and with little to no space to voice and explore their feelings. From my own observations and conversations with men in my day-to-day life (away from counselling), I believe these traditional masculine stereotypes are one of the greatest barriers to men speaking about, and seeking support, for their mental health.

While I feel there has definitely been a positive shift in societal gender stereotypes and expectations since my childhood, I believe there is still much work to do. I sincerely hope that if we continue to challenge the ‘norms’ and create a narrative around masculinity that supports men to feel empowered to speak more openly about their mental health, a higher percentage will feel able to seek the support they need and deserve.

January 2024